Falling towards fear: using discomfort as a motivator

This is your cheeseball warning** This post contains many an inspirational quote so if that’s not your thing, feel free to keep scrolling. But, I will leave you with this if that’s what you decide: there’s a reason that motivational speakers fill conference halls and auditoriums. There’s a reason that after hearing these words we feel our bodies buzz with excitement- like our energy can’t be contained, like we need to leap out of our seat and start writing that novel or training for that marathon or asking for that promotion. There’s a reason that you want to start doing parkour and jumping from building to building after watching the latest Spiderman movie.

Spoiler alert: It’s motivation, it’s excitement, it’s the firey passion that hasn’t been thoroughly stomped out by either the voice in your own head that tells you you’re incapable, or the voices of those around you- whose criticisms and cynicism about your dreams say more about their own insecurities than they do about your aspirations.

When’s the last time you heard someone truly successful that loves what they do discuss every last thing that went wrong on their way to success without mentioning what successes came from the trials and tribulations?

Yet somehow, when these voices of “reason” make their way into our lives- either through our own internal dialogue or in the unsolicited opinions of those around us, they always seem to fixate on the negative. They focus on what could go wrong, what has gone wrong for others who’ve taken the same or similar paths- they focus on the fear that lives within their own hearts.

Their fear of the unknown, misplaced onto our aspirations, can seem like an insult when we don’t realize how other people project their emotions, good and bad, onto us. Their words can seem like they're meant to hurt us, rather than just giving us a deeper understanding into what those around us might be holding onto.

So herein lies our choice- do we let the fear that others cling to leach into us? Do we continue to let what we’ve let stop us in the past continue to stop us today? Do we continue to put value on the security of the mundane over the magic the future could hold for us if we decide to be brave and leap into the unknown?

I don’t know about you, but I’m done playing it small.

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I recently watched a graduation speech that Denzel Washington had given. Someone had put it to this cheesy inspirational music, yeah you know the fast-paced classical songs with the intense violins? That.

And in it he says this line,

“I’m sure that people have told you to make sure you have something to fall back on. But I never understood that concept, having something to fall back on. If I’m going to fall, I don’t want to fall back on anything except my faith. I want to fall forward. I figure at least this way, I’ll see what I’m going to hit.”

Before I went on this trip, I didn’t tell almost anyone. I told myself it was because I wanted to be mysterious and then just pop up on social media in a different country. And it partially was to do that, because I like the idea of not letting everyone in on every last aspect of my plans. Both for the drama of it and, as a woman, the safety. Long gone are the days when I would post each thing I did that day onto my Instagram story.

But, with what I was telling myself was just the desire to be mysterious, came another, louder, voice - fear. I wanted to give myself an easy out. If no one knew I was going, how easy it would be to just cancel the trip and never mention it again. Or, on the flip side, how embarrrrrasssing would it be for me to tell everyone I was going somewhere just to have it not work out? Carefully curating perfection and not letting anyone see me sweat or struggle, yeah that was kind of my brand. Until I realized how toxic and harmful it was - not only to me but to the people consuming the edited version of my life that I let exist on a screen.

You exist in the world you create for yourself. Not just the version of yourself that you show to people. The thoughts inside your mind. If you spend today dreaming of a better tomorrow and not putting action into molding that tomorrow, if you continue to let the fear of the unknown that stands before you stop you in your tracks, you do yourself a huge disservice. And I’d be willing to bet that if you take a look back at your life, you’ll find that the decisions that scared the absolute shit out of you were the ones that made you grow- the ones that shaped or shifted a new reality for you, that expanded your beliefs about what you’re truly capable of.

I decided to go on this trip quite literally less than 3 weeks before taking it. And before I say anything else let me mention, I know the privilege that I have to be able to decide to fuck off and just go somewhere with little to no planning and I am eternally grateful for that.

I was mid post-grad slump. I had spent the last month of my life reading every self-help book I could get my hands on, I was journalling every day, I was recommitting to my yoga practice, alla that. But something still felt like it was missing. I felt like I was just going through the motions, like I was letting life happen to me and not living it. I wasn't getting to socialize with people 5 days a week anymore, I wasn't getting in the exercise that my walk to and from campus had allowed me, I wasn't restructuring my routine to match my new life... I was mourning my old one.

Part of me was still stuck in the past while part of me was dreaming of a future I hadn't put time and effort into creating yet.

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Anything can create forward motion in our lives if we let it.

In the past, I've had a habit of being stubborn about the wrong things (and if I'm being honest, this is a constant unlearning for me and I'm not at the finish line yet). While I still believe my stubbornness to be a superpower (think: tenacity, determination, drive to succeed after failure), there are moments when it wasn't warranted.

Sometimes I allow my stubbornness to keep me in situations after I've outgrown them. Where other people saw opportunities to improve their life, I saw my stagnancy as grit. Like I was somehow stronger because I could handle the bad stuff and "not let it bother me", while other people needed to flee.

When my parents visited me mid-December for my graduation, they expressed my need for a new coffee table. I didn't (and still don't) have a dining table, so this table served a dual purpose. It's legs wobbly, one on the verge of collapse held only by superglue- painstakingly applied and reapplied. It's paint, chipping and worn. But it worked. It served it's purpose. Why would I search for something new when what I already had was working just fine?

So I waved their words off and lo and behold, some 2 to 3 days after they left, it collapsed. Just like... full on collapsed. Unsalvageable, unfixable by even the nimblest of fingers and the strongest of superglues.

For weeks I got by without any table. I ate on the floor, sitting on a pillow - I used my couches arms as a place to balance remotes, and phones on chargers, and cans of La Croix. I didn't need a table. Or at least that's what I told myself.

Finally, early January, I decided I had more than enough. I think I had reached my limit of spilled soda waters, (note to self: that's 3), and of food that had fallen from plate to floor- balanced precariously on one knee, rather than a table, as I reached awkwardly over my contorted body for the remote.

I gave in and finally ordered a table. This one with sturdy metal legs and an adjustable desk-like shelf that could be pulled up so that eating/working/writing didn't require you to be hunched over and thus prompt future back problems. I put it together excitedly as soon as I saw that the box was delivered (HA so much for not wanting it).

When I do something that I know will positively benefit me, I always feel motivated to continue. If I've just done the pile of dishes, whose presence on my countertop had caused me to avoid my kitchen entirely, I'd start on the wash. If I just did a great workout, I'd take a long shower and do an incredibly excessive version of my normal skincare routine. And once I get into the self-care, ~doing good things for myself~ mood, it's harder to stop than to keep going.

So what could I do after I had made my living room a place where I wanted to spend more time? The answer to me was obvious: I could find other areas of my house that needed that same work and continue to make my house a place where I felt comfortable and calm in every corner.

I did the dishes that needed to be done, I cleaned the countertops until they were spotless and shining. It didn't feel good enough. I was deep in spring cleaning mode and I couldn't be stopped. When I opened my pantry, intent on taking a break and eating some lunch, I realized just how cluttered it was. I started grabbing cans and boxes and trying to Marie Condo my way into a cleaner space. I moved on to my fridge and then to my freezer. I did my bathroom cabinet that day too. And? It. felt. good. As if the clutter that existed in my physical space was tied to the clutter that felt like it was clouding my mind, and removing it was like squeegee-ing my brain.

For the first time in almost a month, I felt my shoulders truly sink down from the place near my ears that they had rested for so long. My jaw wasn't clasped so tightly, my teeth weren't grinding against each other, the knot I had let my constant anxiety twist my stomach into seemed to unravel itself.

I was done for the night. I had decided to finally give this version of my body, one I hadn't seen in so long, truly rest. I was buzzing with energy, I had removed the barricades that were holding my mind and body back.

That night, I lay awake- not with anxieties, but with ideas. My mind felt clear, I felt capable, I felt on top of the world- like I could accomplish anything. Hell, I'd just graduated college and I had hardly even celebrated that achievement. I had a habit of turning even the biggest of accomplishments into something minuscule and instead charging forward with what I thought was the knowing that I could do better, and be better. But in the impatience of this forward pursuit, I didn't give myself a chance to honor and celebrate myself for the things I had already done.

Knowing that you are capable of bigger and better things can be a great motivator, but downplaying your past accomplishments to convince yourself that you're capable of more doesn't allow you to take into account just how far you've come.

It was with this newfound energy and excitement that I started thinking about what I could do next. I wanted to do something that scared me. I knew that my stagnancy and willingness to accept less than I deserve (i.e. broken ass coffee tables) was holding me back from what my day of progress had reignited in me, my desire to see the world.

I knew it had to be now. Or at least that urgency is what I used to motivate myself. Realistically, I would never be this free again. Not tied to a rigid school schedule, not yet working a job whose corporate rules only awarded so many days off, no place I needed to be, no person I needed to be with. It was the perfect time to go somewhere and even better than that, to go alone.

Something that I took with me into the second half of 2022, ripped from a page of my journal and hung on my fridge, was to do more things that scared me. To be firm in my choices and honest in my words. To say no. And also to like, jump off of rocks and be more spontaneous and cool shit like that.

I made progress last year, slow and steady progress. And while I don't seek to diminish my past moments of courage, I felt I had barely scratched the surface. I needed more-- I knew I was capable of more, but only if I gave myself the opportunity to try.

I shot up out of bed abruptly at 3am that night, wide awake and ready to put action behind the thoughts that had prevented me from entering my REM cycle. I was gonna go somewhere, I decided it. I grabbed my laptop from the other room and applied for a credit card (not name dropping without that spons) that I knew awarded miles for new card members and also offered double the miles for every dollar you spent on flights using that card.

I immediately thought of Bali- somewhere I had seen many an Oʻahu resident travel to from here. Banking on past knowledge I had that it was much cheaper to go to Southeast Asia from my home in Hawaiʻi than anywhere in the states, I started browsing on Airbnb.

I'm very much leaning into the, "let the Universe lead and then follow" kind of mindset, as my uptight, anxiety-driven, need for control vibe, just like, hadn't been working for me (can you believe that?). I've always been a big believer that everything happens for a reason but the element I was missing in this equation was the ability to surrender rather than revert to something comfortable, the desire to control. Like yeah, of course everything happens for a reason when you're the one controlling every last detail in order to make that very statement truth.

If I was going to do this, and go into it focusing on my growth, I knew I couldn't half-ass it. I needed to surrender. I kept telling myself that if this trip was meant to be, things would fall into place.

On Airbnb, I noticed a lot of places in Bali were discounted heavily. I did some quick research and found out that it was rainy season there and that this time of year wasn't a recommended time to visit. But me (Pacific Northwest, Twilight-Saga loving me), felt, if anything, more excited by the prospect of rain. After another few minutes of research I found that Bali is much like Hawaiʻi in terms of rain- short bursts of showers and rarely a full day of downpour. I favorited quite a few of the Airbnbs I saw that night and went to bed intending to book my accommodations that next morning.

When I woke up that next morning, the morning of January 17th, I can't say that what I saw on Airbnb didn't send me into a full panic. Almost all of the places I had liked the previous night were booked. And here I was saying that if it's meant to be it will be. Well, it was truly now or never. I didn't have flights, I didn't know what I was doing, I had never traveled alone internationally but I'd be damned if I was about to let this opportunity pass me by.

I checked my email, staring at the new message that said that my new card would be in my hands within 3-5 business days. As if somehow I expected it to teleport itself to my house after applying for it less than 24 hours ago. Fuck. I checked my bank account, I had the money. Grad money that I had promised myself would go towards something meaningful, money that past me had saved for a next adventure, whatever and whenever that would be. This was that.

I quickly entered my card information and booked it, and within minutes I saw the last of the properties I had saved change from "available" to "booked". I truly had caught it at just the right moment. I told myself again, faith in my previous mantra seemingly restored, that if I was meant to go on this trip, I'd find an affordable flight, an affordable cat sitter, and everything else would work itself out. On the other hand, if I wasn't able to find these things, I promised myself that I wouldn't force it and instead ask for a refund on my Airbnb and go another time.

Throughout the next week or so, I started to freak out. And there were many times I almost convinced myself not to go. For those who may not know me, I have pretty bad anxiety. And that's me sugar coating it. It's been quite literally debilitating for me in the past.

I had a car a few years ago that had two separate tires pop and completely come off of the rim while I was driving. That same car would regularly stall out in the middle of the road and quite honestly, gave me much more trouble than good memories. Because of this, and going back to what I said about stagnancy, I just decided to not drive for 2 years. Scattered throughout those two years were the occasional half-assed attempt to sell the car and when it didn't immediately sell, it quickly became an afterthought once again. Part of the reason being that the thought of the car alone sent me into a state of panic and made me heart beat out of my chest.

While moments like these made me want to crawl inside of myself and just never leave my bedroom, I have always managed to overcome them. As I'm sure that you can relate to if you look back on past moments of struggle in your own life. And while my reaction time is much better now, I give past me so much grace and love and respect for the determination that it took to solve those situations, no matter how long it took.

All this to say that I wasn't going to let my anxiety stop me from doing something I felt so deeply called to do. And, through repeated exposure to anxiety-provoking situations, we get better at dealing with them as we start to learn ourselves and our reactions on a deeper level. We can let fear stop us in our tracks or we can let it propel us forward. I wasn't going to let this opportunity pass me by because I was scared. Boohoo. Big deal.

If something scares the shit out of you and excites you at the same time, if it feels like the two emotions are battling it out in your mind to see who comes out on top, fall forward into fear.

The unknown is scary because it's just that, not known to us. We can let it scare us and fill our thoughts with movie-worthy scenarios of the Worst Possible Thing That Could Happen, or we can let our excitement lead and be exhilarated by the prospect of new experiences we hadn't even let ourselves dream of.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that going on this trip has rid me of all anxieties and worries and I am now an enlightened being that levitates and requires sustenance only in the form of ~love~. I still have anxieties, I still let my worries take the wheel occasionally, but compared to before? I feel like an entirely different person.

If you read my other posts you know that this trip wasn't all rainbows and butterflies for me. It was stressful and there were moments where I wanted to give up, to toss in the towel and book a flight home. Not only did I push past those moments, when I was scared and intent on letting my limiting beliefs control me, I grew from them. I felt myself start to grow taller as I pushed my shoulders back and marched onward, head held high. I became a better problem solver, I learned to rely on only myself, to trust my intuition and most of all- to not force anything. I developed a heightened sense of confidence within myself that I now take into everything that I do. That very confidence being the reason I decided that I was done being scared of being vulnerable and ~seen~, and that it was time to finally do something I'm passionate about, this website.

I'm fully focused on falling forward. Because even if I grip it with white knuckles and sweaty palms, I'm done letting fear take the wheel. My foot is pressed firmly on the gas, and my eyes are on the road ahead of me; a smile is plastered on my face as I hum the melody of the song that fills my speakers, and for once, I am not afraid to be alive.